when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Randomize
