they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
