Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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