Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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