A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
