Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
