Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Randomize
