Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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