Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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