I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Randomize
