I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
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