he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
They are going to name an STD after you.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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