I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
