??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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