hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
