it was like his penis was on wheels.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize