i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
