which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Randomize
