I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
My vagina is officially offended.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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