Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
