No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
