i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
