i was rollin on her like bob the builder
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Randomize
