there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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