she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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