ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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