I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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