If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Randomize
