New low: just hacked my moms facebook
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
