I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
