So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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