My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
