Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Randomize
