Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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