FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
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