Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
