i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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