My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
