Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
