Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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