last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Rumble strips road head = magical
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
