A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
We had to coat check the pizza.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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