ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize