3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Randomize
