Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
