I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Randomize
