My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
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