Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
