Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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