I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Randomize
