Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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