Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
