New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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