Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
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