First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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