ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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