I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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