Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
