You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
