Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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