I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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